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The Essential Episode Guide to

Star Trek The Next Generation

SPOILER ALERT: There are spoilers throughout. You should have seen all of these episodes already anyways O_o


Season Three

Episode 49  "The Ensigns of Command"
The Sheliak prove they are the universes’s badass and declare war on all the major powers of the galaxy…or did that happen on the “Birth of the Federation” game?


Episode 50  "Evolution"
Wesley tries to assimilate the crew and take over the Enterprise with nanoprobes (and enforce a policy of dessert before and after every meal. See episode 3). He fails, but should be executed anyways.


Episode 51  "The Survivors"
Riker is bested by an old man...again. 

"AAAH! I'm under attack. Medical emergency. Riker to Enterprise -- emergency beamout now!"

"It's alright, Will.  It's nothing to be embarrassed about.  It's not like that was the oldest trick in the book or anything..."


Episode 52  "Who Watches the Watchers?"
ROMULANS! Oh, wait no...Mintankans.  Riker and Troi ruin everyone's fun at the Renaissance Festival on Vulcan. Riker gets "revenge" on an old man. 


"Ohhh, my head. Is it bleeding? No, please don't gag mmmmmmmph mmph."

Episode 53  "The Bonding"
A boy's mom dies on an away mission.  Don't laugh. That's not funny, you monster.


Episode 54  "Booby Trap"
"Asteroids do not concern me."  Well, maybe they should...


"Sir, the ship was crewed by a race of skeletons!"

Episode 55  "The Enemy"
LaForge and a Romulan work together to escape a pit.  The crew has a strange tendency to fall into pits (see episode 21). For those of you playing the drinking game, you know what that means!


Episode 56  "The Price"
Troi has a romantic relationship with a part-Betazoid.  Their relationship falls apart when she finds out he uses his powers for manipulation and not knowledge and defense.

"Yes, ambassador, I realize that my head looks like someone sat on was your mom."


Episode 57  "The Vengeance Factor"
Mad Max wants equal representation! Riker kills his new girlfriend, Yuta.


"No taxation without representation!"

Riker and his girlfriend, Yuta. i won't comment on the fact that he's actually aiming at her head. What a nice guy.

"What?! You're still alive? Well, i'll just have to turn it up to 'disintegrate mode!'"

You couldn't have just shot her on stun? Or maybe, i don't know, told her that you just couldn't see her anymore? O_o

Episode 58  "The Defector"
A Romulan commander defects to the Federation.  G'kar threatens Picard.

G' grew hair and lost your spots...


Episode 59  "The Hunted"

Basically this episode was like watching Universal Soldier in a condensed form without Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Zephram Cochrane is the mayor of Universal Soldiertown?!


Riker holds an Angosian down while Worf beats him

Episode 60  "The High Ground"
Crusher is kidnapped by The Separatists.  Obi-wan and Anakin are sent to rescue her.


Episode 61  "Deja Q"
Q is stripped of his powers, and clothes, actually.

"Romulan!" ....ah, classic :)


Episode 62  "A Matter of Perspective"
Enter Dr. Apgar, an old man who bested Riker for the last time.  Riker is put on trial for murder. "Strangely" enough, Riker's story differs from that of everyone else (see below).

Riker kissing Apgar's wife.  All parties agree on this part.

Here's where the different versions appear:

Riker's version:

"So the old bastard saw what he shouldn't have. And POW!"


"You just got owned, old man."

Everyone else's version (The Truth):

Following the kiss...

Dr. Apgar dodges an insidious blow that would have splattered his brains against the wall...

...and returns the favor with a punch to the kidneys


"Work the body, Ap," his wife cheers him on.

"He's got a glass jaw, finish him off!"

"Look at that follow-through! Way to go, champ!"

Dr. Apgar knocks Riker on his self-righteous ass. Hell yeah, the good doctor is putting on a clinic.

“I’m not the fool you take me for, Riker!....but let's let by-gones be by-gones. I forgive you.  Leave in peace."

"Yeah, I'll do that.  Riker to Enterprise -- one to beam up."

"Oh, before I forget...have THIS!"

"Dead men tell no tales, old man!"

Rest in peace, Dr. Apgar.

For petty revenge, Riker not only kills Dr. Apgar, but he blows up a Federation outpost, which, allow me to quote from the Starfleet Technical Database, has a crew complement breakdown as follows:

Starfleet Personnel 700 (Officers 227, Enlisted 473)
Civilian 2,000

2700. Twenty-seven HUNDRED lives lost. What a horrible loss of life, just to get back at an old man.  Let's not forget that the Federation has now lost all data concerning Kreeger waves.  Way to go, Riker.  Oh, by the way, take another shot....and drink one for our fallen comrade, Dr. Apgar.

Episode 63 "Yesterday's Enterprise"
Lt. Richard “Shooter” McGavin goes forward in time to an alternate universe where he had defeated Happy Gilmore and joined Starfleet.

"I eat pieces of shit bigger than Klingons for breakfast."


Episode 64  "The Offspring"
Data builds a daughter named LOL and a son named ROFLCOPTER.


Episode 65  "Sins of the Father"
Worf's little brother bullies the crew around as the new first officer.  The crew is used to this, however.



Best friends sharing a meal. Riker still hasn't quite figured out how to use a chair.


Episode 66  "Allegiance"
Picard gets kidnapped! 

The only food the kidnappers provide is urinal cakes.


Episode 67  "Captain's Holiday"
Picard goes to Risa and meets Vash...and Rom.

Picard browbeats Rom.


Episode 68  "Tin Man"
The Enterprise goes to investigate an entity known as "Tin Man."  It is neither tin nor a man.

It's either a glowing pine cone or a flying woodtick, but that name wouldn't sound as cool as "Tin Man" though.


Episode 69  "Hollow Pursuits"
B-b-b-barclay creates duplicates of the crew on the holodeck.

Mini Riker!  To defeat him, Will has to cheat and have the computer erase the character.


Episode 70  "The Most Toys"
This time, it's Data's turn to be kidnapped.  When the crew isn't falling into pits, they're being kidnapped apparently. 

Episode 71  "Sarek"
Sarek visits the Enterprise and emotions run wild.

Wesley hits Geordi.  i believe that's punishable by court martial...or at least punishable by a good beatdown.  Unfortunately, Riker shows up and saves his best friend, Wesley, before Geordi destroys him.


Episode 72  "Menage a Troi"
This episode confused the hell out of me.  Who would want to kidnap Riker, Lwaxana, or Deanna, let alone all three of them? This episode further supports my theory that when the crew isn't falling into holes in the ground, they are being kidnapped.  If you're playing the drinking game: Three people kidnapped = three shots.

"Oh, shut up, Riker."


Episode 73  "Transfigurations"
Some alien with a skin disease is rescued. He wears an allwhite jumpsuit that is all too revealing. Lt. Worf is thrown over a railing. It looks so graphic and real, Michael Dorn’s mother calls Paramount to make sure her son is still alive.



The doctor and the nurse check out the package.




"Mr. Berman, are you sure my special boy is ok?

Episode 74  "The Best of Both Worlds, Part I"

Ah, the Borg as the galaxy's badasses.  The Borg kidnap Picard so you can have a reason to have another drink.  Forget the bullshit that Voyager would have us believe.  A Federation fleet destroyed at Wolf 359, yet a single planetary explorer can take it to the the heart of Borg space no less.

Wait, what's this? Has Riker met his match in a power-mad egomaniacal Lt. Shelby?


Continue to Season 4 to find out!




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