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The Essential Episode Guide to

Star Trek The Next Generation


SPOILER ALERT: There are spoilers throughout. You should have seen all of these episodes already anyways O_o

Season Two


In this season Riker grows a beard!

 

9 hours a day of beard maintenance isn't a complete waste of time.


Everyone grows a beard in Season 2

Episode 27  "The Child"
A light impregnates Troi.  Riker looks very worried when Troi gives birth...We meet Dr. Pulaski and find out she's a bigot :(

 

Who wants a mustache ride?

This guy is also known as "Bad Actor Guy " for good reason.

 

 

He's so bad he makes "Two Takes" Frakes look like Patrick Stewart.

Episode 28  "Where Silence Has Lease"
Skeletor appears on the holodeck.

 

In a battle of cartoons vs. the crew, Worf faces Skeletor while Riker fights Slash from TMNT in the background. The cartoons lose...this time...(see Episode 46 for the revenge match).

Episode 29  "Elementary, Dear Data"
The holodeck proves its danger again.  Professor Moriarty kidnaps Dr. Pulaski.  Data and Geordi try to rescue her for some unknown reason.  The holodeck proves nearly fatal and a main character is kidnapped.  Take TWO drinks if you're playing along with the drinking game.

 

Episode 30  "The Outrageous Okona"
Dash Rendar slips through a subspace rift and ends up in the Trek universe.  Data goes to the holodeck to learn about humor from the the least funny man in the universe.  His humor is known to kill Qs by sound alone.

 


Captain Dash Rendar, at your service.

 


Riker gives Wesley a massage

 

Episode 31  "The Schizoid Man"
The Soul Hunter tries to take over Data's body in an attempt to find a new weapon with which to fight the wormhole-illusion space beast (see Voyager episode "Bliss").


 

"With my new android body, I will be able to harvest more souls...and kill that damn beast once and for all!"


Episode 32  "Loud as a Whisper"
The renowned ambassador Riva knows ASL!  They teach American Sign Language on the planet Ramatis?! 

 

Episode 33  "Unnatural Selection"
Dr. Pulaski ages unnaturally fast, going from looking 74 to 76 in a matter of a few hours.  Unfortunately, Dr. Crusher fans will have a while to wait yet.  Pulaski lives.

 

Wait a minute...that's Clayface from Batman the Animated Series!

 

Episode 34  "A Matter of Honor"
Riker serves on a Klingon ship in an officer exchange program.  He is not killed only because the Klingons decide killing Riker would be as honorable as killing a deaf Ferengi.

 

"What's that smell? Has the gok gone bad?"

"No, that's Riker."

Episode 35  "The Measure of a Man"
There is a trial to determine if Data is property of Starfleet.  Despite Riker’s best efforts to rule Data as property, he fails and Data gains his freedom.

i never realized Data had such a big head...and tiny legs.

 

Episode 36  "The Dauphin"
It's about Wesley.  Pick a different episode to watch.  ...but there is a shapeshifter in this episode...Odo is full of shit....

 

Episode 37  "Contagion"
The Enterprise explodes.

How the hell are we going to have Seaons 3 - 7 now?


...or was that the Yamato?

 

Episode 38  "The Royale"
Riker, Worf and Data are trapped inside a bad novel...but at least it's not the holodeck that's trying to kill them.  Also, Riker orders Data to cheat...at a game...


Yee haw!

 

Episode 39  "Time Squared"
The Enterprise is caught in a temporal loop and there is a duplicate Picard.  Picard shoots Picard.  i believe that killing a Starfleet captain is a crime under Federation law.

 

Did you have to use the "incinerate" setting on the phaser?

 

Episode 40  "The Icarus Factor"
Kyle Riker meets his belligerent offspring. They fight with “ultimate martial arts” meaning the q-tip staves from American Gladiators. What the shit is that all about?

Crap Fu.

 

 

Riker had to complete the assault challenge and climb a rock wall first to get here.

 

Wait a second....Kyle Riker and Dr. Pulaski hooked up? Does that mean she is Riker's mom? Well, that explains a lot.

Also happening in this episode: John Tesh shows up to torture Worf...

...but not with his shitty New Age music.

(thank you, Jon Nauss, for finding this).

Episode 41  "Pen Pals"
Riker puts Wesley in charge of the research team trying to save a doomed planet.  Who put Wesley in charge? That's right -- Riker...


Episode 42  "Q Who?"
Q wants to join the Enterprise crew and takes the crew on a wonderful tour.

 

Episode 43  "Samaritan Snare"
It’s like a whole ship of Will Rikers and Wesleys.  Hey, wait. Picard leaves Riker in charge for 5 minutes and he gets duped by the stupidest people in the galaxy?

 

The crew goes through a complex ruse to fool the Pakleds (yeah i bet that's hard to do).  Here's an easier solution:  "Mr. Worf, fire." 

This wildly successful episode spawned the short-lived series, "The Pakleds" on UPN by the producers of Moesha 2099.

Also, Picard gets his heart fixed while Geordi receives three Purple Hearts for being wounded in the line of duty.

 

Episode 44  "Up the Long Ladder"
Two colonies are in danger of being destroyed. One is made of clones and the other of Irish people.  Worf faints.

Awww the poor little guy is all tuckered out.


 

"Shut up, Pulaski."

"It's okay, Will, don't cry."

Episode 45  "Manhunt"
Lwaxana Troi hits on half of the Enterprise crew (it doesn't take a statistician to realize that means every male on the ship).

 

Simmer on medium-high for 20 minutes or fry in butter-sauce for best results.

Episode 46 "The Emissary"
YES! SISKO! Oh, wait no…

....or perhaps "The Emissary" refers to the chosen speaker for the Photonics:

Skeletor gets his revenge...Jesus. Wtf.

Episode 47  "Peak Performance"

Riker pays the Ferengi to break up a war simulation before he can lose. Oh, this was after he used a child to cheat at the war game.

 

Episode 48  "Shades of Grey"
Riker is infected with a mind-destroying microbe that proves powerless against his ego.  i would like to say at this time that Riker is from Alaska, right? The biggest state in the union and the only one large enough (barely) to contain his massive ego.

 

Continue on to Season 3

 


 

 

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