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The Story of the Eurymedon Vase


9/10/60 – My team has finally decided on a location of our next dig, after Flanders threw a fit.  It’s amazing how that guy got a job as lead researcher…I wonder who he paid off or how many dicks he sucked to get where he is today.
            The site we have chosen is just outside of Athens, near the Aegean Sea.  It is so near the water that you could throw a rock into it from the site.  I doubt we will find anything this close to the sea, as the sea has likely already carried away any relics by now anyway and I told Flanders so.  But alas, I am not the head archeologist…


9/17/60 – After a week of digging, we have found only dirt.  I complimented Flanders on his choice of digging site and later in the day a shovelful of dirt hit me in the back.  He denies that he did it.


9/24/60 – Another week of digging and still nothing.  I think that I’m going to…hold on, Diary, Flanders is jumping about excitedly and it looks like he wet himself.

9/24/60 continued – Well I’ll be damned. It appears Flanders somehow picked a good location after all.  He asked me for an apology, but I didn’t give him one. 
            He and the others had dug up what appears to be the roof of a home.  We spent the rest of the day determining the perimeter of the house. 


10/16/60 – After mindnumbingly careful weeks of excavation, we have removed enough dirt to reach the inside of the house.  We each picked a “room” of the house to unearth and search for artifacts.
            Charlie found some eating utensils and Flanders found some gold coins – which he’s been gloating over about for, oh, 5 hours now.
            I have found the edge of what might be a shield!  However, night approached and with the waning light, I could not risk damaging whatever it is I have found.  I will start early tomorrow morning.  I feel as excited as a little kid trying to sleep on Christmas Eve!


10/17/60 – It rained for part of the day, so I could not work on excavating my find for very long.  It does not appear to be a shield as I first thought (and hoped).  It seems to be a vase or pitcher.


10/18/60 – I have carefully cleared away the dirt and dust covering one side of my find.  The artwork looks like a depiction of an ancient warrior.  The warrior has a bow and quiver of arrows and a Persian-style helmet – the warrior is certainly not Greek.  Perhaps this was a vase made in tribute?  The warrior’s scared (or is it taunting?) pose would contradict that, though.  Tomorrow I shall uncover the other side and hopefully shed more light on the subject.


10/19/60 – Well…early this morning, I was able to safely dig out the entire vase and thus see the side opposing the Persian archer.  I stared dumbfounded for at least a half an hour, not believing my eyes.  I wondered if one of the others woke up before me and quickly painted the scene on the other side of the vase and returned it to where it was.
            I stared at the Greek artwork on the vase.  A Greek warrior, wearing a flowing cloak, one arm outstretched, the other grasping not a sword or spear, but his fully erect penis.
            While I was staring at this, Flanders came over to me and started to say, “I was thinking about your vase.  I wonder if it’s a piece of pottery portraying how the Greeks defeated the Persians at a particular battle – maybe Eurymedon?”  He stopped talking when he saw the look on my face.  He, too, stared agape at the vase I held in my hands and broke out in laughter, tears streaming down his face.  “What an amazing discovery!  Greek porn!”  he gasped between his laughs.  I told him to get the fuck away from me before I did that (I pointed at the Greek warrior) to him.


Arthos of Athens’ Diary.  4/8/445 B.C. (translated from Greek) 
I made a pot for my home today, but my wife does not like it.  She said, “How can we have guests over with that thing in the living room?”  I put the pot in my den – a man’s vase for a man’s room.  Someday, I hope some archeologist will find it and be able to appreciate such beautiful artwork.




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