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Video Game and Movie Reviews

 

Here are some straight forward, straight up, no bullshit reviews from yours truly, zero.

Full Reviews
Video Games
Movies

The Bottom Line (short reviews)

Other Reviews

 

The Bottom Line

Don't have time to read a full length review? Good, because i don't have time to write one.

10 Second Reviews

The reviews in these two columns were completed with a time limit of 10 seconds.

10 Second Reviews

The reviews in these two columns were completed with a time limit of 10 seconds.

One Word Reviews

The reviews in this column will be made using but one word and one word only!

Death Trap (video game)

A fun coop game that is a mix of Torchlight/Diablo and tower defense. Tons of customization and, strangely enough, a rare shop that doesn't rip you off and actually gives you fair prices. Rare indeed. Great ambiance throughout, too.

9 out of 10.

Mark of the Ninja (video game)

Beautiful artwork and character design, polished gameplay that lets you play stealthily (which you should do, since you're a ninja, duh) or more guns, well, swords ablazin' if you really want to. Good level design, good customization with equipment. Decent length, and decent story.

8.75 out of 10.

Pterodactyl (movie)

Pterrible!

3 out of 10.

Monaco

Addicting coop party game where up to 4 players choose a character, each with unique skills, to go on heists, reminiscent of Bonanza Bros. from the Sega Genesis.

+ It's a ton of fun

- the visuals make it hard to see things clearly unless your tv/monitor is amazing.

Braveheart (movie)

This movie is quite a treat to watch and review. It is an epic story of patriots fighting relentlessly against oppression. While not entirely historically accurate throughout the movie, we see the underdog Scots struggling against the English in such battles as the Battle of Falkirk and Stirl

The Matrix (movie)

Whoa.

9.5 out of 10

Knuckle Sandwich (movie)*

Shit sandwich.

Renegade Ops (video game)

Jackal + Firepower 2000 + Twisted Metal 2 = Renegade Ops.

7 out of 10.

Transformers (movie)

Commercial.

1 out of 10.

Lost in Translation

This movie has the best opening scene for a movie ever.

Excellent cast, great story, and superb ending. This movie is unique and well worth watching.

9.25 out of 10.

Transformers 3 (movie)

No Megan Fox? Really. Why didn't they fire The Beef instead?

Score: -10 out of 10

Transformers 2 (movie)

Worse.

0 out of 10.

The next Michael Bay movie

i'm going to save myself some work ahead of time and write the review now.

This movie tries to make up for its hollow story with explosions and special effects. i have my doubts that this movie even has a script, but merely a special effects team that edits a "story" in as they go.

Score: 0 out of 10.

Review of review of Pearl Jam's Yield album on music-critic.com

For the most part, the reviewer does a good job of addressing what makes up this album and analyzing individual lyrics, but i feel he is too forgiving of the album. It's a fine album, but it's not perfect. Furthermore, he is too harsh on the album, No Code.

i'm giving the review a 8.75 out of 10.

Contra (NES)

AWESOME!

9.9 out of 10!

 

The Avengers (movie)

A team of superheroes has to work together to save New York from destruction. Yeah, thanks for nothing, Spider-Man.

Revenge of the Titans (PC)

This is a neat and addicting little tower defense game with lots of RTS elements.

My brother Eric says that Denzel Washington was amazing in this.

Game: 7.5 out of 10

Denzel Washington's performance: 10 out of 10?

Timeshift (video game)*

Timeshit.

Jurassic Park 3D

The original Jurassic Park is a classic, so i will review only the new 3D aspect to the film.

The 3D doesn't exactly pop out and isn't eyecandy like Avatar is. But, that's ok. The 3D looks semi-mediocre, but adds a little bit to the viewing experience, as long as you can get past the headache-inducing effect that 3D movies often have.

The movie itself rates a 9 out of 10. i'll give the 3D effects a 6.5 out of 10. Nevertheless, it was worth the price of admission seeing this movie in theatres again.

The Curse of King Tut's Tomb (movie)

If you like seemingly endless scenes of digging, then you will love this movie! Furthermore, if you like cheap imitations of Indiana Jones, you'll surely be pleased with Montana Jackson here --

2 out of 10.

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (movie)

YEAH!

9.75 out of 10.

 

Reading Mastery II: Storybook 1

Full of plot holes and cookie cutter characters.

Saturn (planet)

i like the rings. Earth should definitely get some rings. We might have to blow up the moon to get those, but i don't foresee any problems with that.

i'm giving Saturn an 9 out of 10. Not having a breathable atmosphere is going to cost it a full point.

Earth (planet)

Overrated.

3 out of 10.

Venus Williams (athlete)

What can i say that hasn't already been said? She's good at what she does. What the fuck do i know? i don't even watch tennis.

Venus (razor)

Hold on, i know this is for women, but i gave it a try and i have to say it works exceptionally well. It left my legs feeling silky smooth without any irritation! Wait, did i say legs? i meant my face. Yeah, my face was smooth.

Venus (planet)

Hot.

3.4 out of 10.

 

Dynasty Warriors 5 Empires

If you can't decide on if you want to play Dynasty Warriors or Romance of the Three Kingdoms, play Dynasty Warriors Empires; they're a lite version of each. Not bad, though.

6.75 out of 10.

Robin Hood

It might have been halfway decent, except for the pony charge scene.

*facepalm* out of 10.

Demon's Souls (video game)

Difficult.

9.5 out of 10.

Sucker Punch

Visual extravaganza with excellent battle choreography. This movie is a treat to your eyes and has a lovely cast. It could use a little more character development.

7 out of 10.

Onechanbara Bikini Squad (Wii, 360)

This is pretty much Sucker Punch: The video game, from the WWI German zombie scenes.

Bikinis, katanas, guns, poor controls.

6 out of 10.

Dead Space (video game)

Scary.

9.75 out of 10.

Ghost Rider (movie)

i heard that they could only film this movie in 4 second intervals due to them actually lighting Nic Cage's head on fire for every scene and then having to douse it with water quickly before he died.

It's no wonder why Nicolas Cage won an Oscar for this performance.

Super Time Force Ultra (video game)

When i started playing this game, i was frustrated by the time-shifting element, but once i got the hang of it, i realized what a gem of a game this is. It's funny, it's rapid-paced, and there are a ton of playable characters, many of which are 80s references. i just wish it had a coop mode like Broforce, though that would be tricky to do with the timeshifting.

9 out of 10.

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish (book)

Profound.

A Room of One's Own 2 (book)

Absolutely amazing sequel to a classic. This is even better than expected. Randy Gerbowski is truly a genius. Some might say it's better than the original. Virginia Who?

 

Guerrilla War (NES)

An historic retelling of the Cuban Revolution, starring Che and Castro as 8 bit characters. Fascinating.

9 out of 10.

Life (state of being)

Meh.

4.5 out of 10.

Heart of Darkness (PSX, hardcover and paperback book)

What a bizarre interpretation of Conrad's story. Africa looks very strange. And where is the boat? Where is the engineer who thinks the steam engine runs on magic? Why are monsters attacking the protagonist? This is all very confusing.

Huh? out of 10.

Zombie Driver (PC)

A game that is a fun, intense game of driving over masses of zombies, however; after about 10 minutes, i have to turn the game off since the camera makes me ill.

First 10 minutes: 8 out of 10.
After that: too. dizzy. to. type. out of 10.

Life (board game)

Fun!

8 out of 10.

Final Fantasy XIII (video game)

One beautiful-looking hallway.

6 out of 10.

 

Dungeon Defenders (video game)

Excellent 3rd person tower defense game with tons of replayability. And, it's coop!

9 out of 10.

Defiance (movie)

Cliched.

5.5 out of 10.

Game of Thrones: Season 1

i've seen more penises in one season of this show than i've seen over the course of a lifetime in the men's locker room of the YMCA.

Still, great writing and even better acting.

9.5 out of 10.

 

Game of Thrones: Season 2

This show is technically a porno now.

Still, great writing and even better acting.

8.75 out of 10.

Pokemon Conquest (DS)

wtf?

? out of 10.

Game of Thrones: Season 3

George R.R. Martin continues with his themes of nakedness and killing off pretty much everyone you know.

8.75 out of 10.

 

Game of Thrones: Season 4

George, you really need to stop killing off all of the most interesting characters. You might want to introduce some new ones to fill the ranks.

Before the Mountain vs. Oberyn fight: 9 out of 10.

After the Mountain vs Oberyn fight: 1 out of 10.

VVVVVV

:D

9 out of 10.

Spec Ops: The Line (video game)

Basically a video game version of a modern day Apocalypse Now or Heart of Darkness. That doesn't detract from it at all, though. This game is trippy and intense and gritty and brings ups questions of morality. Not meant for children.

9.8 out of 10.

The Watchmen (movie)

A gritty superhero movie that shows the dark side of a society with superheroes in it in an alternate history. Beware of the glowing blue penis, though.

9.25 out of 10.

American politics

Plutocracy.

"We're boned" out of 10.

 

McPixel (PC)

Quick! You have 20 seconds to save the day by pointing and clicking on objects in these short scenes. Funny and kind of addicting.

6.5 out of 10.

Lincoln (movie)

Daniel Day Lewis amazes everyone again with his acting skill, this time as President Lincoln and his quest to abolish slavery. The movie is pretty historically accurate, except for the last scene in the movie where Lincoln dies in a plane crash.

8.75 out of 10.

All-you-can-eat KFC buffets

Unbelievable.

Yum! out of 10.

Zen Pinball and Zen Pinball 2 (multiplatform)

These pinballl tables are beautiful and exquisite and have popular themes such as Boba Fett, Iron Man, and many, many more. Too bad these games suffer from the same fate as normal pinball machines -- they're fun for precisely 20 minutes.

First 20 minutes: 9 out of 10.
Anything after: 1 out of 10.

Metroid: Other M (Wii)

Samus says "baby" more times in a 6 minute span than Robert Plant does in "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You."

The gameplay mechanics are ok, but this game is proof that the industry needs to hire writers. Yes, i am available ;)

Winter (in Wisconsin)

Cold.

Wish-i-could-hibernate out of 10.

Gravity (movie)

In space, no one can hear you puke.

8.25 out of 10.

Bastion (video game)

Truly a work of art. Fun gameplay paired with beautiful artwork and level design, with the best narrator ever.

9.5 out of 10.

Narrator voice: 10 out of 10.

The letter X

X

Underused.

9.72 out of 10.

Batman: Arkham Asylum (video game)

Finally a Batman game that is actually good! In fact, this one is amazing. It hearkens back to the feeling of the Animated Series, complete with most of the original voices and the writing of Paul Dini. The graphics are very good, but too bad you playing 95% of the game in "detective mode" where everything looks bluish.

9 out of 10.

Batman: Arkham City (video game)

A sequel to the phenomenal Arkham Asylum. This one lets you free roam more around the island, but at the cost of the narrative not being quite as tight.

9 out of 10.

Event Horizon

Scary.

Running Scared (movie)

Paul Walker in Running Scared? Please. That is the worst casting ever. What were they thinking?

i didn't actually watch this movie due to my disappointment in the casting with the actor's name, but judging by the cover art and the other critic's overenthusiastic quote, i'd give the movie a 4 out of 10.

Breath of Death VII (video game)

A funny, fast based homage to turn based old school RPGs. This game is more than just an homage; the system is actually pretty good with some fair amount of challenge (i'm looking at you Evoland). Though, it's short (about 3-5 hours if you're thorough like i am), it doesn't feel overly short.

7 out of 10.

Disney's The Black Hole

Scarier.

 

The Gingerdead Man (movie)

Just promise me you won't watch this movie and we'll move on. No, i'm not even going to rate it. Remember your promise!

The Raid: Redemption

And you thought you had a shitty landlord and lived in a total shit hole! The rent as this place is literally a crime and the landlord sends thugs on random searches through the tenants' rooms. Also, gunshots are just part of the experience living there.

One of the grittiest action movies i've seen in awhile.

7.4 out of 10.

The platypus

...

...

...

irregular.

Mass Effect 2 (video game)

While still retaining RPG elements, this game is less of a KotoR style game like ME1 was, and more of a mix of RPG and Gears of War style 3rd person shooter. The story, voice acting, graphics, and ambiance are all amazing. One of the best games i have played in a long, long time.

9.9 out of 10.

Angel and the BadMan (movie)

LDP and LDP (Luke Diamond Perry) star in this forgettable western remake.

6 out of 10.

Dinosaurs

RAAAWWRRR!

RAAAWWRRR! out of 10.

John Wick

Basically a dark version of The Big Lebowski.

8.75 out of 10.

Spider-man 3

i wish this movie had a face so i could punch it.

This picture

i can't even. i'm speechless.

10 out of 10.

Medal of Honor (2010 version)

More like Meh-dal of Honor.

5 out of 10.

bit Dungeon II

An addicting rogue-like Link to the Past with a nod to Dark Souls.

7.5 out of 10.

Nicolas Cage in the movie Outcast

Stop.

Just please stop.

A Tale of Two Cities

Charles "Paid by the Word" Dickens does it again with another timeless classic.

9 out of 10.

 

 

Awesomenauts

Prettygoodnauts.

7 out of 10.

 

Falling Skies (TV series)

+ =

Mediocre out of 10

 

 

 

 


 

Full Reviews

 

Video Games

Lego Lord of the Rings (multiplatform)

DLC Quest (PC)

Evoland (PC)

Raw Danger! (Playstation 2)

 

Portal 2 (PC, PS3, 360)

Homefront (PC, PS3, 360)

Prince of Persia (Wii, 360, PS3)

 

Left 4 Dead (PC)

God of War III (Playstation 3)

Secret Service (Playstation 2)

 

 

 

 


 

Movies

The 28 Trilogy

Star Trek I

Star Trek II

 

 


 

 

Other Reviews

 

My meal at Wendy's 8/7/11

For this review, i visited the Highway 53 location of Wendy's in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

i ordered the 10 piece nuggets. i should have gone with spicy, instead, but that was my mistake, not theirs so i will not hold them accountable.

The fries were quite good, but a tad on the salty side. However, the salt they use on the fries is sea salt, so i feel rich eating them.

i decided to splurge and i got a BBQ double cheeseburger to go with my meal. i was not disappointed with that decision.

The price was ok, but approaching the high side for fast food.

The staff was friendly, but not in an obsequious fashion and they didn't seem to mind that i kifed a large handful of napkins.

Overall, i'd give my visit a 7.75 out of 10. i can see why Zagat's rates them so highly.

 

Kittens

After taking in a stray kitten recently, i have decided to post a review of kittens since the web seems to be sadly lacking in kitten reviews.

First of all, forget all you think you know about kittens. Leave your preconceived notions at the door, jack!

Kittens are furry, playful, and come in a small size (smaller than an NBA regulation size basketball, but bigger than a thimble, to give you an idea on scale). They range in color from grey to yellow to blue.

They generally have four legs, a bunch of whiskers, and are made of embodied cuteness. They have two speeds -- asleep or crazy-ass full speed.

Kittens have sharp claws, but luckily they're not too good at using them until they get a little older. i have talked to several scientists and they have confirmed my suspicions that cat's claws are sharper than razors. This is good since kittens and adult cats are fiercely territorial and will defend their (your) home much like a German Shepherd or badger will. And, like badgers, kittens know no fear. This lack of fear is what enables them to leap recklessly from any height. They do this casually, as if nothing can hurt them.

One awesome thing about kittens is that it takes approximately half a second to house train them. Put one in the litter box and they'll never pee anywhere else ever again.

Kittens deserve a rating of 10 out of 10.

 

* Please note: reviews with asterisks were not actually played/viewed by me, but were "reviewed" for comedy's sake.

 


 

 

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