The Essential Episode Guide to Babylon 5
SPOILER ALERT: There are spoilers throughout. You should have seen all of these episodes already anyway O_o
Time for the new cast members that joined the crew...
Introducing the human man/woman with the weird haircut:
...and the guy with the tiny hand and multiple-layered uniform:
...and the first ever Centauri-Narn hybrid!
Speaking of hybrids, the crew also gets another human-Minbari hybrid!
And some things don't change much...
...such as Ivanova finally deciding to let her beard grow out.
"The Hour of the Wolf"
Londo finally gets his dream job of being advisor to an insane emperor (aren't they all?)
Here is said emperor having a meeting with the heads of state. Hahahahahaha...oh wait, that's a pun. i'm so sorry!
In the meantime, Sheridan dies and goes to hell.
"Welcome to Hell, i will be your host for eternity. You can call me 'Lorien,' 'The Prince of Lies,' or 'Lucifer.'"
"What Ever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?"
Life on the station goes on with everyone trying to adjust to the new situation. Delenn regrets falling in love with an idiot.
Sheridan scopes out his surroundings then takes a rest on a comfy bed at the Motel 666.
Garibaldi returns to the station and everyone doubts him. Sheridan comes back this episode at the end of Lucifer's leash and no one questions him.
"Oh, the guy that looks just like Satan? He's with me. Don't worry, i'm not a Shadow friend, even though i just came back from Z'Ha'Dum like Mr. Morden and Anna Sheridan, who were both altered by the Shadows into becoming mindless minions of evil. Nope, we're cool. Stop asking."
i can't help but notice that the First Ones all have cool ships, and yet we're stuck with the one without a bitchin' ride.
Later in the episode...
G'kar tries to fit in on Centauri Prime, but fails miserably and is ridiculed.
"You have a weird fetish, my Narn friend."
...speaking of weird fetishes....christ, what is going on here? i feel violated just watching this.
"Falling Toward Apotheosis"
The Vorlons decide to up the ante and wipe out every planet that has ever had anything to do with the Shadows. Some planets were eradicated because their dictionaries have the word "shadow" in it. Earth is conspicuously overlooked. So what does Sheridan Shadow-Friend decide to do about this? Kill the station's Vorlon Ambassador. You'd think assassinating an ambassador with diplomatic immunity somehow goes against the B5 station charter...
Also, notice that no one raises an eyebrow when Sheridan tells of his plan to kill the Vorlon....it's not like the Shadows hate the Vorlons or anything, and it's not like he just came from Z'Ha'Dum...meanwhile Garibaldi gets a headache and they give him a lobotomy to make sure he's not a Shadow friend, and thus another round of hair loss for poor Garibaldi.
Here we see Zack with his steamed mask firing blindly into the crowd of the Vorlon and his fellow security officers.
After failing to kill him with bad CG, they try a new trick -- they put a carrot under a box with a stick propping the box up. When the Vorlon went inside the box to get the carrot, they yanked a rope that was holding the stick, then the box collapsed, trapping the hapless Vorlon inside. After the Vorlon blasted through the box, they resorted to shooting him.
Murder most foul. They could have tried poisoning him...that worked before.
"The Long Night"
Not ones to be one-upped by the Vorlons, the Shadows decide that they too need to start leveling planets, but with a little more style.
Corianna 6 Weatherman: "In the afternoon, it will become mostly cloudy as some Shadow Death Clouds will be rolling in. Expect temperatures to reach 6000 degrees as the planet's molten core surfaces. Now here's Dan with sports!"
"Into the Fire"
The Shadow War ends. What a fine end to the series! ............umm....you're still here? You want more from me? Fine. There's also a huge traffic jam in hyperspace. In fact, there's such a backup that the Vorlon planet-killer ship doesn't arrive at Centauri Prime in time to blast it into small chunks of rock before the cease fire is signed.
"Traffic is backed up on I-94 for miles and miles. Expect delays of up to three hours. Now here's Bill with the weather."
Garibaldi resigns. Bester shows up at B5's front gate a mere minute in front of the troupe of Elvises. Was he on the same ship as them? There's an episode right there in that meeting. But on B5, Bester visits his girlfriend in the morgue.
Luckily the sex scene was edited out for television.
"The Illusion of Truth"
An ISN reporter stops by B5 to do a true look at Babylon 5, but after he is roughed up by Zack, he decides to go Fox News on B5's ass.
For some reason, i just want to punch this guy. i mean, i know it's just poor Ricky the Intern, but still....just one good punch to the face.
Before Sheridan and Delenn get hitched, they have to go through 333 Minbari rituals first. One such ritual is where the female must watch her husband while he sleeps. Good thing none of the rituals are creepy! Meanwhile Sheridan needs to make contact with the Resistance on Mars, so who does he send...
...good call, that makes perfect sense. i couldn't think of anyone better myself. Hmm who else to send? ....
...the chief medical doctor on Babylon 5! Perfect! What are the odds someone is going to need a doctor in the next 3 to 4 months. i'm sure Nurse Ogawa can handle any situation.
Marcus and Franklin meet up with the leader of the Mars Resistance and it's none other than Ernest P. Worrell!
"You boys are in a shit load of trouble without any IDs. Y'know what i mean, Vern?"
Delenn and Sheridan continue their courtship rituals...in this scene, a handful of Minbari creepers will observe the lovemaking of the two lovebirds....not even making that up.
Delenn: "Come. Show me what you humans call...'doggy style.'"
"Lines of Communication"
In an effort to stimulate good relations with Mars and B5, Franklin and Miss Mars 2261 hook up.
Gee, Franklin, you're really taking one for the team there, you ol' dog! :)
The White Star responds to a distress call, but they quickly flee the area when they realize it's a burning Pak'ma'ra. The stench is so strong that you can even smell it in space!
Meanwhile, the Minbari consider an alliance with the Drakh...
...who, in a diplomatic nightmare, gets carsick aboard the Minbari vessel and has to use the bathroom. The Minbari pictured in the hallway fought three rounds with the Minbari fighting pike for i-don't-have-to-clean-up-the-bathroom-after-the-smelly-assed-Drakh-defiled-it rights.
"Conflicts of Interest"
Garibaldi receives orders from his new client/boss...
Whoops. Wrong picture.
Yep, it's none other than American Idol loser, oooops i mean winner, Taylor Hicks.
Taylor Hicks: "Your first mission is to assassinate Simon. I don't like that man."
Garibaldi: "Sure, done. He was on my list of targets anyway."
"Rumors, Bargains, and Lies"
This episode is all about the training that lawyers go through to become soulless, because as it turns out, it's not inherent; it's learned.
Ok, now that Warren Zevon's "Lawyers, Guns, and Money" isn't playing in my head anymore, i can continue the episode review....oh. Sheridan convinces the League of Non-Aligned Worlds to allow White Stars to patrol their borders and the Minbari launch into a full scale civil war. That's pretty much all that happened in that episode.
"Moments of Transition"
Sheridan goes undercover to involve himself in the Minbari civil war...
...but he might have picked the wrong side...
After a long, bloody struggle, the Minbari civil war ends! The Worker caste is finally free of their slavery and gets full rights of citizenship instead of 3/5th citizenship. What's next? Women's right to vote?!
"No Surrender, No Retreat"
Sheridan decides fighting in one civil war really "gets up the ol' appetite for a good ol' fashioned civil war" and decides to fight in another one...
...this time against Earth!
"Exercise of Vital Powers"
William Edgars, of William Edgars Industries decides to put forth helpful, sympathetic euthanasia treatments for telepaths. Unfortunately for telepaths, that means all of them. Meanwhile, Sheridan wins victories at Bull Run Prime and Bull Run 2 and Fredericksburg.
Did someone run over this alien's head? Judging by the tread, it may have been Garibaldi on his motorcycle.
"The Face of the Enemy"
As a practical joke, Garibaldi turns Sheridan over to President Clark's forces. Sheridan is sent to Gitmo, where he receives the finest of accommodations. It is perfectly OK that he is tortured because the Geneva Convention only extends to enemy combatants; since Sheridan is a freedom-hating terrorist, he gets no sanctuary. He is vivisected and thrown to the crows.
But in brighter news, Franklin gets a weird mohawk! Come on now, kids, don't be down.
"Intersections in Real Time"
Sheridan goes on an all night bender and lives to regret it...
Sheridan is tortured pretty much the whole episode. The method of his torture? You guessed it -- he is forced to listen to disco and boy bands from the 1980s through the late '90s (and the matching music videos) all while being forced to watch Richard Simmons and Carrot Top marathons. Needless to say, he breaks. Who wouldn't?
"Between the Darkness and the Light"
Garibaldi decides the practical joke has gone on long enough and decides to spring Sheridan from his prison. Meanwhile on the front lines, Ivanova gets hurt...
Sheridan: "Marcus, what happened?"
Marcus: "She refused to use a spotter when she was lifting weights..."
Sheridan: "That's terrible!"
Marcus: "She'll die if we can't get her back to the station for her testosterone injections."
NOOOOO! That damned alien healing device is back....and J. Michael has used it to keep a mediocre character alive by the death of the show's coolest character, Marcus. FUCK!
The Hero in his last minutes. Dammit all. Couldn't they have just flushed her out an airlock and be done with it?
Oh, Sheridan liberates Earth and Mars from President Bush's tyrannical rule. How does he accomplish this? By using suicide bombers...unwilling suicide bombers. Yeah, you're a real hero.
Check out the captain of the Agammenon on the right...it's Ronald Reagan! WOW!
Sheridan ascends the throne to President of the Galaxy and Ivanova visits Marcus at the morgue.
"Maybe you feel guilty because you treated him like shit."
"The Deconstruction of Falling Stars"
In the future, it appears that one particular group makes a comeback...
Is that an SS logo on your shirt?
Luckily for everyone, the B5 heroes in hologram form put an end to the Nazis' rule. Slightly later in the future one million years later, humanity has mastered the stars and become Vorlons.
Cool. What a great ending to a great series. ....what? It's not over?
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