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The Essential Episode Guide to Babylon 5

 

SPOILER ALERT: There are spoilers throughout. You should have seen all of these episodes already anyway O_o

 

Season 3

Time for the new cast members that joined the crew...

Well, it looks like we've got some ambiguous human (?) and a frumpy Centauri woman...or is it a man?

hmm...i must have missed the episodes they were in....

...and some guy with a glass eye. You know, i don't remember him in the series...

...and a pale Narn with some odd head spikes....geez Ivanova looks especially angry...maybe it's her brow ridge?

....but at least Garibaldi grew his hair back!

"Matters of Honor"

...actually, it looks like someone else has joined the crew...

His name is Aragorn, but a lot of people call him "Strider."

Also in this episode, Sheridan takes the White Star out on its first mission and nearly wrecks it on its maiden voyage. Way to go.

 

"Convictions"

A bomb goes off on the station, but no one notices because it is such a common occurence.

Business as normal on the Zocalo.

 

"A Day in the Strife"

An alien probe shows up and gives a pop quiz. If the crew comes up with the right answers, they live and get everything they ever could dream of and if they fail, they get blowed up! Reminds me of many a test in school! Anyway, the crew comes up with all the right answers, but they make one tiny mistake...they trust Corwin to pass the answers on to the alien probe.

"(maybe i should tell them that i just stand up here all day long and i don't know a thing that i'm doing...na. It'll be ok. Mama Corwin didn't raise no dummy)"

B5 blows up because Corwin hits the "AC" button instead of the "Transmit" button.

 

"Passing Through Gethsemane"

B5 gets a new telepath (after the station is rebuilt). She's not as pretty as Talia Winters...and she's a bitch. Meanwhile, Grima Wormtongue begs Aragorn to get him a role in the episode...

 

"Voices of Authority"

Zack becomes even more of a dupe and continues his work with the Nazi party, shit, i mean Homeland Security and sends innocent people off to the station's death camps. Wait, it's called "Nightwatch" isn't it? Meanwhile, J. Michael decides to employ...alternative methods to boost ratings...

Finally, a real woman, not some Ivanova dude.

 

"Dust to Dust"

G'Kar gets in with the wrong kids at school and turns to drugs. That makes two main characters that are on drugs. Dr. Franklin and G'Kar take turns doing coke lines off each other's chests. Kind of an odd episode if you ask me.

The joke's on him, it's actually a silica packet. No wonder he almost died...

 

"Exogenesis"

Ivanova asks Corwin out to "determine if he's loyal" not "because she is desperate to find a guy she doesn't scare off immediately."

Corwin asks this guy for lady advice...i don't think i need to even tell you the outcome of that.

 

"Messages from Earth"

GIANT SPACE SPIDERS ATTACK MARS! Also, Sheridan nearly destroys the White Star (again) while trying to take out the giant spider invasion. Someone take his keys away; he's going to crash that thing yet!

Meanwhile, Marcus continues to prove how badass he is.

 

"Point of No Return"

President Bush, shit, i mean President Clark declares Martian law.

Nightwatch has their Knight of the Long Knives and Zack has a major dilemma -- is he a stooge, dupe, or just a yes-man? Also, Lwaxana Troy visits the station looking for a husband.

Meanwhile, the Narns have heard about how badass Marcus has been and they want to prove themselves:

A NARN SAMURAI! WOO! Seriously badass.

 

"Severed Dreams"

"So i heard Babylon 5 was having a 'Most Badass Competition?'"

"Nice try, Delta 4. But the judges are going to give you style points for smoking inside your helmet." (notice the smoldering cherry in the middle of his mask.)

Earth Alliance forces prepare to attack B5. Ivanova and Sheridan discuss battle tactics.

They say this (and i'm NOT making this up) --

Ivanova: Should we ask Draal to help with the defense?

Sheridan: No. He's our ace in the hole. I want to keep him a secret as long as we can.

This comes 10 seconds after he used Draal's technology to make a completely unnecessary hologram of himself throughout the station...

Yeah...

 

 

"Ceremonies of Light and Dark"

Nightwatch plans to assassinate Sheridan and kidnap Delenn and some other Minbari. i see a *minor* flaw, well flaws, with this plan, but whatever, i'm not in Nightwatch, soooo...

Check out this pic i took while i was at Sci-Fi Con '08. Boxleitner signs some autographs.

At the end of the episode, we see the awful new uniforms.

Sheridan says, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen someone that's been reborn before?" to which the crew replies with, "No, sir, we're standing at attention. You see, you're the commanding officer and this is Command; we're just following protocol." He has them executed.

 

"Sic Transit Vir"

Vir returns to Babylon 5 and gets a wife, to the surprise of everyone, himself included. She seems like a nice girl. She's pretty and has a great smile -- and she's quick to smile. Too bad she's batshit crazy. She has a hobby of carving up Narns that she has bound hand and foot just to hear their screams. Other than that, she's a catch.

...hmmm...she reminds me a lot of my last girlfriend :-\

 

"A Late Delivery from Avalon"

King Arthur shows up at B5's front door.

Too bad he wasn't around a few episodes a short while ago to fight the dragons that attacked the station.

Unconvinced this man is really King Arthur, Franklin devises a clever plan to determine if he is truly who he says he is.

This is the unanswered version of the quiz. The one that was filled out was covered in tears. Way to go, Franklin. If your done ruining your own life, why not ruin the lives of others. Real considerate.

"Ship of Tears"

Bester sneaks past Zack with a clever disguise...

...as one of B5's own StarFury pilots. It fools Zack completely, but Garibaldi notices two things: One - the "Alfred Bester" nametag, and Two - this StarFury pilot is a foot shorter than everyone else. He does not pass Go, but goes directly to jail.

 

"Interludes and Examinations"

Sheridan browbeats Kosh and won't let up until little Vorlon tears leak through the single eyehole in his encounter suit and he agrees to attack the Shadows, even though both he and Sheridan know it will be the death of Kosh.

i've heard that J. Michael was forced to write Kosh out of the series because the actor that played him (the man in the suit) refused to work for less money than Boxleitner and stormed off the set, screaming "You'll never find anyone to play Kosh, who will carry himself with such dignity and grace, you fuckers!" Ok, that's a lie....but did you know that the guy who was in the suit was the same one who did the voice? 'tis true. And he is also married to Patricia Tallman (Lyta Alexander)...also true. i wonder what foul and depraved experiments that Vorlon performs on her in their bedroom...

Anywho, Kosh gets turned into a charcoal briquette by some unruly Shadow teenagers.

What a great way to remember a dear friend....by putting his head on your desk as a paperweight.

"War Without End, part 1"

Zack, while guarding the front door, turns Valen...i mean, Commander Sinclair away because his picture "doesn't have a scar on its face." Sinclair has to sneak in the back door to meet with the B5 command staff.

Sinclair: It's nice to meet you. i'll be taking my job back.

Sheridan: Yes, it's a pleasure to meet you. (under breath) i'm going to have to get this guy killed and/or sent back 1000 years into the past.

 

Sheridan's plan is nearly unraveled when he becomes unstuck in time!

UNSTUCK...IN TIIIIIIME!

"War Without End, part 2 "

ZATHRAS!! YAAAAAAY!

Oh, in the previous episode, Ivanova sent herself back a message from 8 days in the future that B5 gets blown up. So, in this episode, the crew continues their mission to prevent the station from getting blown up, however Ivanova had forgotten to include in her future-to-past message the cause of what took the station out.....as it turns out, the station was blown up by no one other than Zack Allen, who didn't take the aluminum foil off of a baked potato he was heating up in a microwave.

Zack: Mmm...time for supper after a long day of work. I'll just put this potato in the microwave here. The Chief keeps tellin' me to take the foil off first, but what's the worst that could happen?

Babylon 5 Station: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Ok, after that happens, Sinclair goes into a cocoon just like Delenn (this is after Sheridan tricked him into going 1000 years into the past). In the past, a figure emerges from the cocoon...

...it's Valen! What's the matter, don't recognize him? Here, let me help:

There! Now do you recognize him?

 

 

"Walkabout"

Yep, you guessed it. This episode is about Franklin going on walkabout. Again. Get used to it. Start drinking if you're playing the Babylon 5 drinking game.

The Vorlons send a new ambassador to the station to replace Kosh.

Sheridan: So, what should we refer to you as?

Vorlon: Me Kosh. Me Vorlon. Me eat play-doh.

Sheridan: i can't blame you. That's good stuff....how about we call you "Special Kosh"?

 

"Grey 17 is Missing"

By stopping the elevator between floors, Garibaldi explores a floor that is lost in space and time. Note: this also works in America between floors 12 and 14, as there are no 13th floors. What he finds is disturbing.

It's Zombie Howdy Doody, kids! He's back! ...and he hungers for human flesh now.

and then Garibaldi finds this thing:

What is it? i don't know....what i do know, is how it got on board...

This guy isn't fit to be a backup dancer to John Revolta, much less a security guard at B5.

How do they kill that creature, you ask?

By taking a piece of pipe and putting pistol rounds in it and attaching it to a steam pipe. Not fucking joking. In fact, i had to go to the hospital after watching this scene because i was choking on my own vomit.

 

"And the Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place"

Lord Refa explains the Centauri side of the conflict to the Narns.

In a bold PR move, Lord Refa goes in person to apologize to the Narns.

Apology accepted, Lord Refa.

 

"Shadow Dancing"

This was a strange episode....

It focused on how disco was the Holocaust of Rock 'n Roll. Ok, i'm kidding (only about disco being in this episode. No joke on the Holocaust part). The episode was actually a remake of the 1988 movie of the same title starring Christopher Plummer.

What's the matter, don't you believe me? Fine. Go watch that movie yourself and prove me wrong, doubter.

Fine! You caught me. i hope you're happy. But there was a slight editing error J. Michael didn't catch:

This scene was supposed to be Franklin talking to Garibaldi. They blue screened the wrong image in. Don't tell me you don't believe that either!

 

"Z'Ha'Dum"

Sheridan gets a blast from the past with his second first wife, Laura Ingalls Wilder!

Later, he gets all drunk and takes the White Star out for a spin....to Z'Ha'Dum. Just remember who told him not to go to Z'Ha'Dum (other than "Everyone") Kosh and Delenn. Kosh "i'm a Vorlon and i know everything" the Vorlon and Delenn "i told you so" Setai. So what's Sheridan do? He goes to Z'Ha'Dum. Brilliant.

While there, he meets one of the foremost Shadow Friends....

MARK TWAIN! WOW!

 

While in a drunken stupor, Sheridan finally crashes the White Star.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

 

 

Continue to Season 4

 


 

 

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